Erma Bombeck Quotes Motivation and sayings god life Quotes

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Erma Bombeck About :-Erma Louise Bombeck was an American humorist who achieved great popularity for her syndicated newspaper humor column describing suburban home life from 1965 to 1996. She also published 15 books, most of which became bestsellers. Wikipedia

Born: 21 February 1927, Bellbrook, Ohio, United States
Died: 22 April 1996, UCSF Medical Center, San Francisco, California, United States
Spouse: Bill Bombeck (m. 1949–1996)
Place of burial: Woodland Cemetery and Arboretum, Dayton, Ohio, United States
Children: Matthew Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Quotes

Erma Bombeck Quotes stock photos

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

Erma Bombeck Quotes if I had my life to live over

Erma bombeck quotes if i had my life to live over

Someone asked me the other day if I had my life to live over would I change anything.

My answer was no, but then I thought about it and changed my mind.

I would have talked less and listened more.

Stop sweating the small stuff. Don’t worry about who doesn’t like you, who has more, or who’s doing what.

Let’s think about what God HAS blessed us with.

“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”

“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

“Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.”

“Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.”

“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.”

“Never have more children than you have car windows.”

“The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.”

“Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.”

“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”

“My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.”

“In two decades I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.”

Forever, Erma: Best-Loved Writing From America’s Favorite Humorist

Erma bombeck quotes on mothers

“If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?”

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’.

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.

Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Success is outliving your failures

It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.

Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it’s still snowing.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

It is my theory you can’t get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.

Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.

Time. It hangs heavy for the bored, eludes the busy, flies by the for young, and runs out for the aged.

Grandparenthood is one of life’s rewards for surviving your own children.

Kids need love the most when they’re acting most unlovable.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Friends are “annuals” that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a “perennial” that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There’s a place in the garden for both of them.

Erma Bombeck funny stories

Erma bombeck funny stories

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they’re not trying to keep up with you.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You’re not out of it until the computer SAYS you’re out of it.

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, “What light?” and two more to say, “I didn’t turn it on.”

Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop offs at tedium and counter productivity.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

I have never gone to the bathroom in my life that a small voice on the other side of the door hasn’t whined, “Are you saving the bananas for anything?”

Marriage has no guarantee. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

Most children’s first words are “Mama” or “Daddy.” Mine were, “Do I have to use my own money?”

Erma Bombeck quotes on love

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